The last blog of 2009

Turn a decade around and what happens. You see too much, you do too much. I could name of so many momentous occasions that happened this decade that it's damn near scary.
I don't know where things lie and where the cards will fall.
I only hope that they fall into a enjoyable state of bliss and contentment.
I cleaned out my room yesterday. I found a notepad that I had scribbled these lines on. I recall writing it. It was last year around early-mid december I wanna say. I was rather depressed during this time.
So, check it out and lol at my shitty attempt at being lethargic.

To say is to believe
To believe is to see
To see is to be deceived
You need not to see me
Believe and be deceived
If I'm right, well then
-We'll all see

That's some weird weird shit. I remember when I wrote it - I just don't remember writing it.
Well. Close this out people. I hope I can learn more in 2010 as much as I did about life, love, happiness, and women as well. rofl.

Christmas time

I find myself to be more depressed this Christmas than any other Christmas I can remember. I think it's lack of feeling from people and other stuff happening. I think too it's because I've put myself here and asked so much of myself lately that it's torn me down. I don't know though, shit I guess it's the fact that I'm alone. So many people live alone and deal with stuff, I've lived alone for 5 years coming in February. I lived off and on alone by myself for a year when I was living at my fathers house. I love my silence. I love the peace I get when I walk through the door and not have to answer "where have you been?!".."what's going on?!"..that kinda shit just irritates me and when I hear other couples ask their S/O when they come in that question I'm like wtf man. That tells me that you have no fucking trust with them, lest someone be with them that wasn't with them when they left.
I guess that showed that i'm irritated at the fact that I'm still a fuck up when it comes to relationships that I can't keep focused on the simple problems without taking on everyone else' problems and then the woman's problems in their life as well. Ugh.
I think I might go drink now. I got a 12 pack from my step dad and co-worker for when I was sick and they got it and said I'd feel better...I think it'll help my depression and turning on some music might help as well.

This could be

Something I'm just thinking up. Whatever the reason is. I feel like all I'm doing is staring down these social networking sites that I'm apart of. Actually looking like a lost puppy waiting on someone to at least give an acknowledgment that I'm alive. I think this stems back from my days of IRC and Yahoo Chat. I'm use to total interaction with others. All the time. Now, I feel so distant from it, I feel like there is nothing there anymore.

Last night was one of my highlights of playing World of Warcraft. For 3 hours, I played. Long time to some. But, when you're running around with friends, People who you actually know by their real names and not their toons name. You feel more connected per-say. After finishing up a battleground. My friend Sam invited me to join up with him and I'm taking a long winded shot because I know this is pretty much accurate in saying his girlfriend was tagging along as well, Then another friend of ours, She's random enough as is. Well after looking and running around we basically just wound up standing around doing nothing but talking. Mostly about how Alicia and Sams sex life and tips and tricks and other reallly realllllly random things about fetishes and shit like that. By the time I was so sleepy I couldn't hold my head up, I had to wipe the tears from my face several times because I was laughing so hard.
It's not hard to find people to talk to online when you actually listen to them and learn about them. Listening is key too. Guess that's why I live online most the time. Because I'm more of myself than I am outside of it. That could be a big vice for me. I'm not obsessed over being online but, I feel more keep in the loop if I can read and look into what others are doing. This and that.
Odd. I know.
I think I'm gonna have to go into a mindset over my accounts on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Fubar and possibly look into deleting them. I'm not finding uses for them anymore and they, like the world because dull after so long when you burn yourself out on it.

New Idea.

Since I'm a fan of Warcraft so much and a few others think that video game is all I care about in the world and not them, I given a bit of thought about something. Something that would be a permanent reminder of my obsession with it.
So what better permanent way to remind yourself of an obsession?

Tattoo it onto your body. That's how.
lol
I've contemplated on several tattoos over the years directed at my love of warcraft. This one though struck me so hard it could have knocked me off my feet.
If some of you know that my past which isn't pretty by no means know that I have a few scars to bear on my arm from the past. Well, It got me thinking. I'm sure none of you know the lore behind what I'm about to say and I will try to give you a cliffs notes version of it afterwards. But, now. Behold my idea. lol
my left upper arm I'm wanting to get the runeblade Frostmourn tattoo'd there. I'm talking full scale, all of it.
Then above it and below it the lines from the game that were inscripted upon it's icy tomb. Just as the blade rends flesh, so must power scar the spirit."
Why ask? well reminds me of what I've done, blades too once rend my flesh, my power to over come it scarred my spirit too, still to this day.
That's why I want it there because it'll over lap the scars and I think it's just a awesome thing to have.
I'm sure the zero amount of you that read this will be like wtf man. wtf. Shut up. My body. It's not what you will or would want. Me. Me me me me me. So without further adieu. this is the sword i'm wanting.
Frostmourn

inside the etches of the sword I want them done in a darken shade of blue because in the game it looks like
This
So, what you think?
I'm loving it. Can't wait till tax season arrives because this will be my birthday present to myself in 2010.

You're sure?

I'm never sure about my cleaning skills. Which suck so bad.
I hate dishes and laundry. I really do.
If there comes a time I can get my own place. I'm getting a fucking dishwasher, I don't care who says what. I would rather just shove them in there and let a machine clean them then I can just reuse them right out of the washer..poof..that or plastic..but I go through those things way too flippin quick.
As for laundry. pft. i'll throw them in the washer and dryer and all, but once they are done drying. Meh. I might just throw them on the chair and just get whatever I want for the day.



Yes this is really me on a normalcy like day because it's the truth. Deal with it.
Ugh, I dont even wanna think about moving this furniture either. It's not been moved since Adrienne and Jasmin moved it for me when I came home one evening back in February.
..oi...

Debates

I'm just in a funk lately. I don't see the end of it. I don't care to see the end of it. I just feel like if I were alone, not completely dead alone but, alone for a few days. Sort out my mind, I might be able to make it back to saneville.
Too. I think this wanting to be alone is going to kill a lot of people too. I'm seeing a lot of my friends gettin really pissed off at me because i'm not talking to them as much and it's really scratching me the wrong way and I fear either they had just lay off or either I just delete them from me. mind, soul, all.
So, I'm also thinking about cutting off myself from my computer all together for the remainder of the weekend. Just break away from it.
I'm having a bit of a time with dealing on social networking sites anyways at the moment because I cleaned off a lot of my list on facebook which now leaves me with the few that I actually talk to and whatnot but also leaves me with myspace, twitter, fubar. which no one EVER talks to me via those sites anymore..
I'm almost debating on killing my twitter account because I don't use it hardly anymore. My myspace profile is crap because none of the people I message on there anymore will talk back or at least leave a comment. Fubar is turning completely towards nothing but money hungry whores on there. So, Why am I whining about it?. Well, all the people that clam 'loyalty' to any and all friends are actually assclowns who could care less about what the next one says. Then there are others and yes this is directed via twitter and facebook, etc, etc. Most people I see when posting on my news feed are talking about 'oh i'm wasted this weekend'. or..'Oh the fabulous ways of God' .. I've got nothing against either posting it. But, when half is talking about getting wasted or getting fucked *literally and emotionally* then the other half does nothing but thanks this and that for whatever, I guess I'm just one of these who feels like the world of social networking is more less about 'whatever you want' , which yes those two catagories fall under that title. Guess that's why I deleted about 3/4 of those ppl on my sites, cept fubar. Most the ppl that are my friend on there only talk to the 'elite' of that site and ppl who spend money on them, not fake money mind you. actually hard earned, bill paying, m-o-n-e-y ...shits nuts man. I've never done it nor will I. So. therefor
...
I'm feeling the urge to even cancel my World of Warcraft account because I'm losing the fun in it. Months ago Casey, Sammy and I were to start back up playing. Well I did. I even got my toon to 80 before any of them did. Now neither one is on anymore due to underlying reasons with computers so..i'm alone there. Paying 15 bucks a month for a game that is losing fun to me. That'll be shut down before too long.

I think it is time to break away from this crap life on the internet. I only got 2 really friends that are outside of here that aren't blood related that I care to talk to on a good day. Family wise - I have to be in a good mood to speak up about stuff with them and as is right now I'm not much for talking to them.

And just like, the movies..

Checked out the seconds installment of the Twilight Saga this past weekend. Actually got my first taste of it online. I came home from a long evening full of eventful memories I'll hold dearly and some were caught on film, Check my youtube account right here As usual, Whenever I hold the key to making a new flick I'll be sure to upload it right there so you all can enjoy the awesomesauce that is me. Being I've got this new killer phone that allows me to do so right at my fingertips.. booya. I'm on it like stink.
So oneward of my critique of New Moon. It was pretty good. More accurate towards the book than what Twilight was. Could have spanned a bit more on certain areas, But we can't have all the cake right now. So, I was rather content with it and pleased nevertheless.

Figured I would throw this out here.
I'm feeling fidgety at the moment and now have the feeling that blogging isn't hitting on much.
Be back with a later blog on how the Thanksgiving holiday is full of win.

Versed in the fine arts of life.

One would think that even after wards you could just do as you want, not truuueeee.
There's steps, rules, ways, observations to be made on how 'you' do things.
I've read..somewhere..some place..something along the lines that you define your true character and place in life by your actions, or some hooboo like that. If true then my true character is so squishy on the inside with such a tough exterior like shell that can only be pierced by the pity of life.
heh, True that.
Maybe I should just turn that around. Squishy all the way around.
I was asked today if living alone was lonely. mmmm..not really, I replied. I actually like it. Although some nights are lonely more so than others. I've managed. I lived on my 'own' in a technical sense for a year or so at my dads place while he was out of town. Then moved here years later. Silence is golden some nights after dealing with all kinds of crap during the day at work, to come in, sit down and just relax is such a great thing. But, then as the night sets in you just feeling like that weight of your personal life comes creeping through the cracks and crevices then you try to deal with that the best way you're able to - then BAM - morning, you drop your personal life at the door as you close behind you.
Turn on the face and head on
Rine
and
repeat.
that's all I can throw out.

Seeing is just a part of it

I've came to a slow conculsion, I've slowed up on my blogging big time, I need to pick this up. I use to be a weekly blogger. But, Not really lately have I kept up with this..I forgive you the ..prolly 1-2 people that have ever read my very few blogs. eep.

I seen today that I'm a slacker. Totally, I've let my clothes pile up (just in front of the washer) ..I come in from work and I have just collapse. Though I've been having to stay the past 2 days at Josh' place because I wanted to. I'm still kinda tired though from work, I was so tired when I came in from Casey's place last night I actually on top of the tiredness I popped two tylenol PM's to make sure that I slept. Thus probably why I feel like I'm still half asleep. Too, the weather is playing a minor role in that. I think anyways.

Earlier this week at work on ...Monday I believe it was. I was sitting at the office with mom going over my papers for my re-certification *being I live at government subsidized housing I have to renew my lease every 12 months* we were looking over my gross amount for last year and then did my gross balance for what I'm making this year (in a long story short I'll spare you of, I'll tell you my pay was more than known to any of us after doing mass amounts of calculations) It was a large difference. I was certain my rent would be just shot through the roof *by roof I mean in the amounts of $350.00+*, Sure enough after we did the calculations and crunched the numbers for about 20 mins solid because I was never sure that it was right, We were both sitting there with calculators going over this as if we were drug smugglers counting the money we just were paid and it was more than before..Well after seeing this same number pop up. I wasn't denying it now. $401.00 bucks...:-O ... sweet gravy train man!..There is just no way..I'll admit that I'm seriously now in my mind deliberating on moving out because I know people who pay less in HOUSE payments. But, I also know that if I move I'll wind up going out for a new job. Not a bad thing is it?.. Nah, I didn't think so either. But, Kicker here is that in doing that I'll probably wind up shattering the peace here that I struggled to keep withing the confines of Pilot View. I fear it will anyways, But, Least I know more less I won't be under a watchful eye of others continuously.
I should just pray about it, Maybe a pow wow with the head cheese should clear my thoughts. Maybe I just need to be put in check and make myself realize that I can live with it and move along and be happy as anyone can be.
Then again, Why not go off and settle for something better, bigger, more awesome than a mediocre job and mediocre living quarters. I could live like the most slummed down 3rd world countries and be the poorest of the poor, or I could bust the door down and use my small amount of knowledge and be the next Kenneth Lay ... whoa.. Bad analogy there boss, um. My bad. Ok, lets roll with Al Gore. yeah that's a good one to coincide with ...lol


Whatever it is I'm just going to have to sit tight and just think hard about it. I'm sure the answers are just in front of me. Being who I am and hating change so much with a burning passion I refuse to accept the terms and move along with it that I would much rather sit in denial over it and just hit the 'repeat' button on life.


Move over Bill Murray, I'm making a new Groundhog Day.

Oi..vey....

Time

What time is there that we all think we have?. It's a really simple answer, but in some ways it's a really complicated answer that one would say has shades of gray in it. I'm seeing my time here being spent wisely one day and just wasted another. I'm getting older, I'm becoming more each day that man that I'm (I thought suppose to be exposed years ago) to become. I have figured that with my time now I'm looking towards a future that's far away but not so far away. I'm wanting to plan, prepare, act. But, where to start?!; I'm one of those procrastinators who thrive off stressful situations, My weekends are my time of what I call a vacation because I literally *try* to push my life that I live here in King away, My time with Lauren is come to a point that I'm seeing it more and more precious and the memories are becoming more and more and I feel like leaving there is the end of my vacation, my time has ran out. Clock back into reality. Change shapes and mentality back to this ball of frustration and stress due to the way things are here.
Want to really know something that's totally off the deep end?..Each weekend though..I'm geeking that I'm actually spilling this. I'm loving the fact that come Sunday mornings I actually look forward to church. I've gotten to where I've even subscribed to the podcast on my iTunes so when the days worn on me through the weeekday. I've got the great pastor of Pine Ridge Church, Tadd Grandstaff to speak out and just bring me back down and throw something worth thinking about into my mind and just..give me that reality check.
I know if those of you that have read my blogs in the long past time ago and actually know me and know of my past and whatnot would know that Mr. Matthew here would NOT be one to geek out over a church, ever..but, here I am. Spilling mad beans. lol.
I think though that the time I'm spending here at my place is winding down. I'm not seeing this place like I did 4 years ago when I first moved in. I was 21, weekend warrior, looked no further than what society allowed me to look, judgmental, socially deviated, basically that which you would love to talk to but knew enough to understand but not enough to know that I actually needed a bit more help than I was getting. Back on track though, I'm starting to understand that I'm coming to a point where I'm going to have ...not try or hopefully or whatever...have to make a sacrifice. Yep, Sacrifice a lot to get on with my life and push further into another chapter and make a new life outside of the Northwestern half of NC and move wherever God tells me to. Giving citation to Genesis 12:1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." My time to just jump forward is coming close and I just need to put my ear up to the sky and listen with a open heart and mind and let loose.
Heh, I think it's about that time. I'm getting a bit old when I say at 10:30 i'm tired. Guess Mick Jagger was wrong. Time is not on my side. hahahaha.. and there is my spill into music for the night.
Ok, folks. I'm out. Have a great week ahead and ...yeah make some time for yourself. Who knows when you'll be out of it.

Finding more

Maybe there might be that 'thing' that you can see in your mind that you are wanting so bad. Needless to say it is just a 'thing', perhaps and want or maybe a need. Whatever it is, you're keeping it there in hopes of one day finally realizing that you're close to seeing and reaching out more and more and feeling the tail-end of it and then one day, BAM! it's gone. Most reasons why we as humans want to give up on that dream is because we have become something that society is wanting us to become. I, myself included. I've become one of the obese people that Americans and other people of the world frown upon because it seems that more and more obese people are filing for disability based upon the fact that they cannot, or will not take charge in their life and find a way to self motivate themselves back into a lifestyle of healthy eating habits and exercising more often. I'll get into my reasons on another blog on why I'm big, but right now I'm making a place to wanting to find more and more and more dreams, hopes, aspirations to get ME, Matthew the one soul in North Carolina motivated to feel, find, examine and carry through these 'things' that we all search for at least once in our short lived lifetime.
I'm just now finding certain doors that we once not even in my route, the doors that I never foreseen even becoming a reality. I'm trying somewhat harder every day to become better at becoming the Matthew that society does NOT want me to become and become the Matthew that God, our Lord wants me to be. That is indeed a long and tedious road because societies peer pressure sure is a awful ugly mind manipulation tool that we are so use to falling into we never know until things start to change. I've seen the change in me. I've felt it and finally a month back I broke down inside and said "My turn. Not yours."
I've become a regular member of a church now, I've helped do whatever it takes (minor PRC plug there) to make sure my friends and family see what I'm doing, how I'm trying to commence this change. Push forward with my life and make those sacrifices that are so demanding sometimes it requires that you break away from a life you once had and move forward onto another life that you were lead to by someone from a higher authority. I've recieved that help that is needed in some of this life change, some has been towards the positive, some has been not so positive. But, rest assure I am still going to try and reach towards this 'thing' that is beckoning for me to reach out and collect it, become something better and make sure that I help any and all who will receive me as I am and not shun me away in hopes that their way is better. I can only know and give thanks that this door that God has led me to is the door that which it all begins.
Now I being to look upon everyone else around here, neighbors and friends. I'm going to continue to be that person everyone loves and be the man that will carry the world if needed be.

I can hope though that by others reading this I can inspire at least a small notion to come into your mind, With that happening then I know that I can say with a smile-I have succeeded.

Is it really?

The fact that I noticed this week I've been kinda grouchy and irritable doesn't mean to the vast 25% of you that I want to rip your skulls off and proceed to defecate down your throat. So with that lets recap why I've been such in a crab ass mood lately.
-Work - Well, what is there really to say about it. I've been here nearly 6 years. i've seen and put up with the most extreme stuff, Guess it's why I don't handle stress so well anymore. Most would agree that I need to be medicated again. I'll go ahead and tell you nicely to go fuck yourself. Last time I was ever medicated I didn't know who I was and to be honest I lost a lot of things due to that. This week was just terrible in the stress department because of having to pull overtime and do this and do that and try to carry a load that even most wouldn't dare touch because it would be so overwhelming to them, I tried, I failed. I had others to become bitchy with me, so in doing so I turned around and became a total asshat back at them for being bitchy towards me, Why be bitchy when I'm trying my damnedest to make everything work and make everyone so happy.
-Sleep - I've been sleeping, but. My schedule is off. I'm not completely crashing till after 2am. I'm back up at 8:00-8:30am. No ones fault but my own. I had one cool dream this week and figured it would brighten up my week with that thought at least. Nein. It didn't instead I continued to feel like drugged on, pulled through the muck and pushed to work.
....Maybe my mind and body are telling me that it's time, Matthew. That time to pull apart the tattered and torn seams that has been bothersome for some time and to now tear them off and shed the clothing and find a place to just lay still and listen again. Not to others, but yourself. Who knows, I don't. I have certain answers that would complete a question but in order to get the end result I would have to go through the motions, I don't like going through motions much anymore. I've become a glutton for laziness.
Think after tonight I'm going to turn my cellphone off and proceed to sleep. I'll even take some meds if needed to make me crash for longer than 6 hours and make me proceed to 7-8hrs of good sleep.

Yeah, that's what I am in dire need of. That and other things pertaining to the word vacation.

Tuesdays

What does Tuesdays usually mean for a gamer that plays the online sensation known only as World of Warcraft?. It means usually that there is a lonnng delay more less in play time because of Maintenance, Yes. The dreaded day of maintenance is upon us today and with it came a large span of realms that were down even after the maintenance was to over with for the day. I log on to see what else...a lovely message on the left of the login screen stating what realms would continue to be down till they fixed whatever issue was happening.
I clunk around on the forums reading up on this and that. I jump to the Warlock forums and read about how affliction is making a comeback because people who've become trendy rock the destruction talent and seeing is how affliction is becoming more viable ..I think I just might stick with my specc then ..Which by the way is affliction, heh. I don't know really what brought me back to playing my 'lock, I felt the urge since I finally got a level 80 toon..which was a Death Knight (Yes, that is cheating in my book being you get to start out at level 55 as a Death Knight) To make a run with another Horde toon and make this one go to 80. I got to end game once with my Gnome Mage. He's still resting at level 70. My Warlock is setting close to level 51. I'm hoping the servers come back online before 9pm. I'd like to grind out whats left of level 50 and get that going to 51. 6 more levels and I make that run to Outland and begin the long path to 70. I think from what I learned as a death knight and heading straight to outland at level 67 was a bit of a mistake maybe. Going out there with just your skills and knowledge of your spells..won't cut it. These beast they got waiting for you on the other side in Northrend will eat your souls at level 67. I know I had a bit of a time as a DK and STILL almost got killed by mobs there that were my level. When knowing that when I was 66 and working in Outland I was 3-4 shotting mobs. Pulling 3 at least at a time. There is no way to do this at level 67 in Northrend. It'll demand a rofl from other players to see a clothie come busting out of the gates and thinking "well, I own face in Zangermarsh; Let me just burn through this area and start grinding dungeons here..wait..whoa whoa whoa..Why did I just die that fast before I could get my 4th spell cast off?!"..cue rofl.
So, with this small tid bit of knowledge. I shall indeed possibly stick to Outland till 70. I may even start doing the Dailies that are available at 70 in Quel'Thalas. ..Sure money is easy to get in mob killing in Northrend. But, gathering 200+ gold a day in just doing 15 easy quest is a breeze and worth it till 80 to start doing those dailies. Ok-Time go to back and check the realm status' and fix some dinner it's 7:15 and lunch is already done and gone through my system.

The beginning of the end

Now for the first blog of my new site to post blogs upon. I once used this site a long time ago. When it was E-Blogger. rofl. That's been a while back. I'll be hoping to stick to this site a lot more being that I know people aren't going to be spying in and blasting me with random ads for whatever. I'm moving on from Myspace blogging because there...I felt like I was being withheld from truly speaking out; so now i'm going to start speaking some more from here. I'm going to start the blabbing of all emotional and physical or whatever else from here on. Most blogs you know you read are family orientated or it's some striving person trying to seek out that whatever they're looking for. Meh, Not me. I'm just the person who finds a outlet in blogging and thus...why I'm here. I've spent too much time not blogging anymore. I've been doing the suffer in silence kinda stuff for a while. Well, really not much in silence, I've been good about talking to Lauren about stuff. I have seen her to be my outlet and my venting buddy for a long time now and wouldn't trade her for all the mad loots of the world.

Most my time I've noticed from Monday mornings till Friday evenings I dedicate myself to this pit apartment complex I work at then find myself in between being I work with my family to blanace time with them because ...honestly..after a long day of putting up with tenants bitching and moaning and then to come to the office and hear of their drama and life filled problems, Why would I pick up the phone to call when I now 9 out of 10 times that we will wind up talking about this place. I just don't see the need in it.

I try to put work down when I walk up my stairs and close my door behind me. But, seems that it follows me through the door as if it is some supernatural specter. arg!!!!!!!!..

I find it funny though that what I think about how things should be but aren't and won't be because the course plan of action I would use to direct this chaotic spread in the direction I would want it to go would require a time machine..Heh, I wonder if I can find a old delorean for sale and become the crazy space time guy.."Safety is not guaranteed"..lol.

Maybe by finding myself a outlet now here on blogger I'll be more apt to come out and post the randomness that which is me..yippie.

There'll be more to come. I assure you this.