What time is there that we all think we have?. It's a really simple answer, but in some ways it's a really complicated answer that one would say has shades of gray in it. I'm seeing my time here being spent wisely one day and just wasted another. I'm getting older, I'm becoming more each day that man that I'm (I thought suppose to be exposed years ago) to become. I have figured that with my time now I'm looking towards a future that's far away but not so far away. I'm wanting to plan, prepare, act. But, where to start?!; I'm one of those procrastinators who thrive off stressful situations, My weekends are my time of what I call a vacation because I literally *try* to push my life that I live here in King away, My time with Lauren is come to a point that I'm seeing it more and more precious and the memories are becoming more and more and I feel like leaving there is the end of my vacation, my time has ran out. Clock back into reality. Change shapes and mentality back to this ball of frustration and stress due to the way things are here.
Want to really know something that's totally off the deep end?..Each weekend though..I'm geeking that I'm actually spilling this. I'm loving the fact that come Sunday mornings I actually look forward to church. I've gotten to where I've even subscribed to the podcast on my iTunes so when the days worn on me through the weeekday. I've got the great pastor of Pine Ridge Church, Tadd Grandstaff to speak out and just bring me back down and throw something worth thinking about into my mind and just..give me that reality check.
I know if those of you that have read my blogs in the long past time ago and actually know me and know of my past and whatnot would know that Mr. Matthew here would NOT be one to geek out over a church, ever..but, here I am. Spilling mad beans. lol.
I think though that the time I'm spending here at my place is winding down. I'm not seeing this place like I did 4 years ago when I first moved in. I was 21, weekend warrior, looked no further than what society allowed me to look, judgmental, socially deviated, basically that which you would love to talk to but knew enough to understand but not enough to know that I actually needed a bit more help than I was getting. Back on track though, I'm starting to understand that I'm coming to a point where I'm going to have ...not try or hopefully or whatever...have to make a sacrifice. Yep, Sacrifice a lot to get on with my life and push further into another chapter and make a new life outside of the Northwestern half of NC and move wherever God tells me to. Giving citation to Genesis 12:1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." My time to just jump forward is coming close and I just need to put my ear up to the sky and listen with a open heart and mind and let loose.
Heh, I think it's about that time. I'm getting a bit old when I say at 10:30 i'm tired. Guess Mick Jagger was wrong. Time is not on my side. hahahaha.. and there is my spill into music for the night.
Ok, folks. I'm out. Have a great week ahead and ...yeah make some time for yourself. Who knows when you'll be out of it.
The times of random and reasons that need no explanation.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Finding more
Maybe there might be that 'thing' that you can see in your mind that you are wanting so bad. Needless to say it is just a 'thing', perhaps and want or maybe a need. Whatever it is, you're keeping it there in hopes of one day finally realizing that you're close to seeing and reaching out more and more and feeling the tail-end of it and then one day, BAM! it's gone. Most reasons why we as humans want to give up on that dream is because we have become something that society is wanting us to become. I, myself included. I've become one of the obese people that Americans and other people of the world frown upon because it seems that more and more obese people are filing for disability based upon the fact that they cannot, or will not take charge in their life and find a way to self motivate themselves back into a lifestyle of healthy eating habits and exercising more often. I'll get into my reasons on another blog on why I'm big, but right now I'm making a place to wanting to find more and more and more dreams, hopes, aspirations to get ME, Matthew the one soul in North Carolina motivated to feel, find, examine and carry through these 'things' that we all search for at least once in our short lived lifetime.
I'm just now finding certain doors that we once not even in my route, the doors that I never foreseen even becoming a reality. I'm trying somewhat harder every day to become better at becoming the Matthew that society does NOT want me to become and become the Matthew that God, our Lord wants me to be. That is indeed a long and tedious road because societies peer pressure sure is a awful ugly mind manipulation tool that we are so use to falling into we never know until things start to change. I've seen the change in me. I've felt it and finally a month back I broke down inside and said "My turn. Not yours."
I've become a regular member of a church now, I've helped do whatever it takes (minor PRC plug there) to make sure my friends and family see what I'm doing, how I'm trying to commence this change. Push forward with my life and make those sacrifices that are so demanding sometimes it requires that you break away from a life you once had and move forward onto another life that you were lead to by someone from a higher authority. I've recieved that help that is needed in some of this life change, some has been towards the positive, some has been not so positive. But, rest assure I am still going to try and reach towards this 'thing' that is beckoning for me to reach out and collect it, become something better and make sure that I help any and all who will receive me as I am and not shun me away in hopes that their way is better. I can only know and give thanks that this door that God has led me to is the door that which it all begins.
Now I being to look upon everyone else around here, neighbors and friends. I'm going to continue to be that person everyone loves and be the man that will carry the world if needed be.
I can hope though that by others reading this I can inspire at least a small notion to come into your mind, With that happening then I know that I can say with a smile-I have succeeded.
I'm just now finding certain doors that we once not even in my route, the doors that I never foreseen even becoming a reality. I'm trying somewhat harder every day to become better at becoming the Matthew that society does NOT want me to become and become the Matthew that God, our Lord wants me to be. That is indeed a long and tedious road because societies peer pressure sure is a awful ugly mind manipulation tool that we are so use to falling into we never know until things start to change. I've seen the change in me. I've felt it and finally a month back I broke down inside and said "My turn. Not yours."
I've become a regular member of a church now, I've helped do whatever it takes (minor PRC plug there) to make sure my friends and family see what I'm doing, how I'm trying to commence this change. Push forward with my life and make those sacrifices that are so demanding sometimes it requires that you break away from a life you once had and move forward onto another life that you were lead to by someone from a higher authority. I've recieved that help that is needed in some of this life change, some has been towards the positive, some has been not so positive. But, rest assure I am still going to try and reach towards this 'thing' that is beckoning for me to reach out and collect it, become something better and make sure that I help any and all who will receive me as I am and not shun me away in hopes that their way is better. I can only know and give thanks that this door that God has led me to is the door that which it all begins.
Now I being to look upon everyone else around here, neighbors and friends. I'm going to continue to be that person everyone loves and be the man that will carry the world if needed be.
I can hope though that by others reading this I can inspire at least a small notion to come into your mind, With that happening then I know that I can say with a smile-I have succeeded.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Is it really?
The fact that I noticed this week I've been kinda grouchy and irritable doesn't mean to the vast 25% of you that I want to rip your skulls off and proceed to defecate down your throat. So with that lets recap why I've been such in a crab ass mood lately.
-Work - Well, what is there really to say about it. I've been here nearly 6 years. i've seen and put up with the most extreme stuff, Guess it's why I don't handle stress so well anymore. Most would agree that I need to be medicated again. I'll go ahead and tell you nicely to go fuck yourself. Last time I was ever medicated I didn't know who I was and to be honest I lost a lot of things due to that. This week was just terrible in the stress department because of having to pull overtime and do this and do that and try to carry a load that even most wouldn't dare touch because it would be so overwhelming to them, I tried, I failed. I had others to become bitchy with me, so in doing so I turned around and became a total asshat back at them for being bitchy towards me, Why be bitchy when I'm trying my damnedest to make everything work and make everyone so happy.
-Sleep - I've been sleeping, but. My schedule is off. I'm not completely crashing till after 2am. I'm back up at 8:00-8:30am. No ones fault but my own. I had one cool dream this week and figured it would brighten up my week with that thought at least. Nein. It didn't instead I continued to feel like drugged on, pulled through the muck and pushed to work.
....Maybe my mind and body are telling me that it's time, Matthew. That time to pull apart the tattered and torn seams that has been bothersome for some time and to now tear them off and shed the clothing and find a place to just lay still and listen again. Not to others, but yourself. Who knows, I don't. I have certain answers that would complete a question but in order to get the end result I would have to go through the motions, I don't like going through motions much anymore. I've become a glutton for laziness.
Think after tonight I'm going to turn my cellphone off and proceed to sleep. I'll even take some meds if needed to make me crash for longer than 6 hours and make me proceed to 7-8hrs of good sleep.
Yeah, that's what I am in dire need of. That and other things pertaining to the word vacation.
-Work - Well, what is there really to say about it. I've been here nearly 6 years. i've seen and put up with the most extreme stuff, Guess it's why I don't handle stress so well anymore. Most would agree that I need to be medicated again. I'll go ahead and tell you nicely to go fuck yourself. Last time I was ever medicated I didn't know who I was and to be honest I lost a lot of things due to that. This week was just terrible in the stress department because of having to pull overtime and do this and do that and try to carry a load that even most wouldn't dare touch because it would be so overwhelming to them, I tried, I failed. I had others to become bitchy with me, so in doing so I turned around and became a total asshat back at them for being bitchy towards me, Why be bitchy when I'm trying my damnedest to make everything work and make everyone so happy.
-Sleep - I've been sleeping, but. My schedule is off. I'm not completely crashing till after 2am. I'm back up at 8:00-8:30am. No ones fault but my own. I had one cool dream this week and figured it would brighten up my week with that thought at least. Nein. It didn't instead I continued to feel like drugged on, pulled through the muck and pushed to work.
....Maybe my mind and body are telling me that it's time, Matthew. That time to pull apart the tattered and torn seams that has been bothersome for some time and to now tear them off and shed the clothing and find a place to just lay still and listen again. Not to others, but yourself. Who knows, I don't. I have certain answers that would complete a question but in order to get the end result I would have to go through the motions, I don't like going through motions much anymore. I've become a glutton for laziness.
Think after tonight I'm going to turn my cellphone off and proceed to sleep. I'll even take some meds if needed to make me crash for longer than 6 hours and make me proceed to 7-8hrs of good sleep.
Yeah, that's what I am in dire need of. That and other things pertaining to the word vacation.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Tuesdays
What does Tuesdays usually mean for a gamer that plays the online sensation known only as World of Warcraft?. It means usually that there is a lonnng delay more less in play time because of Maintenance, Yes. The dreaded day of maintenance is upon us today and with it came a large span of realms that were down even after the maintenance was to over with for the day. I log on to see what else...a lovely message on the left of the login screen stating what realms would continue to be down till they fixed whatever issue was happening.
I clunk around on the forums reading up on this and that. I jump to the Warlock forums and read about how affliction is making a comeback because people who've become trendy rock the destruction talent and seeing is how affliction is becoming more viable ..I think I just might stick with my specc then ..Which by the way is affliction, heh. I don't know really what brought me back to playing my 'lock, I felt the urge since I finally got a level 80 toon..which was a Death Knight (Yes, that is cheating in my book being you get to start out at level 55 as a Death Knight) To make a run with another Horde toon and make this one go to 80. I got to end game once with my Gnome Mage. He's still resting at level 70. My Warlock is setting close to level 51. I'm hoping the servers come back online before 9pm. I'd like to grind out whats left of level 50 and get that going to 51. 6 more levels and I make that run to Outland and begin the long path to 70. I think from what I learned as a death knight and heading straight to outland at level 67 was a bit of a mistake maybe. Going out there with just your skills and knowledge of your spells..won't cut it. These beast they got waiting for you on the other side in Northrend will eat your souls at level 67. I know I had a bit of a time as a DK and STILL almost got killed by mobs there that were my level. When knowing that when I was 66 and working in Outland I was 3-4 shotting mobs. Pulling 3 at least at a time. There is no way to do this at level 67 in Northrend. It'll demand a rofl from other players to see a clothie come busting out of the gates and thinking "well, I own face in Zangermarsh; Let me just burn through this area and start grinding dungeons here..wait..whoa whoa whoa..Why did I just die that fast before I could get my 4th spell cast off?!"..cue rofl.
So, with this small tid bit of knowledge. I shall indeed possibly stick to Outland till 70. I may even start doing the Dailies that are available at 70 in Quel'Thalas. ..Sure money is easy to get in mob killing in Northrend. But, gathering 200+ gold a day in just doing 15 easy quest is a breeze and worth it till 80 to start doing those dailies. Ok-Time go to back and check the realm status' and fix some dinner it's 7:15 and lunch is already done and gone through my system.
I clunk around on the forums reading up on this and that. I jump to the Warlock forums and read about how affliction is making a comeback because people who've become trendy rock the destruction talent and seeing is how affliction is becoming more viable ..I think I just might stick with my specc then ..Which by the way is affliction, heh. I don't know really what brought me back to playing my 'lock, I felt the urge since I finally got a level 80 toon..which was a Death Knight (Yes, that is cheating in my book being you get to start out at level 55 as a Death Knight) To make a run with another Horde toon and make this one go to 80. I got to end game once with my Gnome Mage. He's still resting at level 70. My Warlock is setting close to level 51. I'm hoping the servers come back online before 9pm. I'd like to grind out whats left of level 50 and get that going to 51. 6 more levels and I make that run to Outland and begin the long path to 70. I think from what I learned as a death knight and heading straight to outland at level 67 was a bit of a mistake maybe. Going out there with just your skills and knowledge of your spells..won't cut it. These beast they got waiting for you on the other side in Northrend will eat your souls at level 67. I know I had a bit of a time as a DK and STILL almost got killed by mobs there that were my level. When knowing that when I was 66 and working in Outland I was 3-4 shotting mobs. Pulling 3 at least at a time. There is no way to do this at level 67 in Northrend. It'll demand a rofl from other players to see a clothie come busting out of the gates and thinking "well, I own face in Zangermarsh; Let me just burn through this area and start grinding dungeons here..wait..whoa whoa whoa..Why did I just die that fast before I could get my 4th spell cast off?!"..cue rofl.
So, with this small tid bit of knowledge. I shall indeed possibly stick to Outland till 70. I may even start doing the Dailies that are available at 70 in Quel'Thalas. ..Sure money is easy to get in mob killing in Northrend. But, gathering 200+ gold a day in just doing 15 easy quest is a breeze and worth it till 80 to start doing those dailies. Ok-Time go to back and check the realm status' and fix some dinner it's 7:15 and lunch is already done and gone through my system.
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