Christmas time

I find myself to be more depressed this Christmas than any other Christmas I can remember. I think it's lack of feeling from people and other stuff happening. I think too it's because I've put myself here and asked so much of myself lately that it's torn me down. I don't know though, shit I guess it's the fact that I'm alone. So many people live alone and deal with stuff, I've lived alone for 5 years coming in February. I lived off and on alone by myself for a year when I was living at my fathers house. I love my silence. I love the peace I get when I walk through the door and not have to answer "where have you been?!".."what's going on?!"..that kinda shit just irritates me and when I hear other couples ask their S/O when they come in that question I'm like wtf man. That tells me that you have no fucking trust with them, lest someone be with them that wasn't with them when they left.
I guess that showed that i'm irritated at the fact that I'm still a fuck up when it comes to relationships that I can't keep focused on the simple problems without taking on everyone else' problems and then the woman's problems in their life as well. Ugh.
I think I might go drink now. I got a 12 pack from my step dad and co-worker for when I was sick and they got it and said I'd feel better...I think it'll help my depression and turning on some music might help as well.